I wanted to vent on how I’m having a difficult time.

I bawled seeing the resentment in my daughter’s eyes prompted by me not being able to be the one who drives her to school.

I’ve feared the coming of that resentment.

Which makes me think of how this could be retribution for my same resentment I held for my mom.

The irony of it happening to yourself.

Chronic illness. Currently diagnosed as complex migraines.

Common episode: nausea first, then can’t think, weak in my legs, can’t use my hands/arms, have to sit quickly or fall, shaky/twitchy left hand. Can’t speak afterwards, it’s garbled.

Other kinds have the above, plus left side not working or brief explosive crying for no reason or (it’s been a long while since this, and only happened a few times) extreme pain in the front of my head.

I never know when it’ll hit me. For a while I was fearful, unable to go out with friends because what if it happened. Luckily, I got over that, sticking with trying to do anything I can, to not let it stop me.

But it still stops me.

I’ve missed work, parties, outings, events, appointments because of it. I feel like I’m the most unreliable person. I feel bad for my friends. They’re understanding but I can’t help but wonder if they think I might be exaggerating just a little bit or that I use it as an excuse.

It’s been suggested that anxiety or depression is the cause. But stress hasn’t been a trigger. I track my episodes. What seem to be triggers are: interrupted sleep, not enough sleep, eating or just ate, bowel movements, maybe barometric drops or variable weather. So no, not from my mental illness, but instead it causes depression. Isn’t it reasonable to feel down for missing life?

I haven’t had a medication that helps unless you count birth control which only dialed down the frequency during PMS.

Cannabis helps but only with nausea and pain. I don’t get headaches like you would think with migraines (except those handful of times I mentioned before, but compared to how many I’ve had, that is super rare and hasn’t happened since.) The pain I get is feeling so run-down, uncomfortable in my own body, a general feeling of crappiness.

I wish I could talk to someone who has the same. Solidarity.